Kissing it Better
by Prince Char
Summary: First a warning: ELRICEST! That's right, Ed and Al-cest. If you don't like it, please just don't read it. Al's angst and musings on the past as he watches Ed sleep. He can't deny what he feels for Ed any more, but is Ed the same?


Kissing it Better

Al looked down at Ed, sleeping peacefully. He'd hardly slept without nightmares in so many years. Recalling how much he'd longed to comfort his brother with his touch and a kiss as he used to watch the pained expressions of his dreams, unable to kiss him, it was something of a surprise to him to feel even more of a need to now he could, and now his brother needed no comfort.  
  
Making himself turn away and curl up in the covers of his own bed, he sighed softly. The novelty and emotion of being able to feel the cool night air, and the slightly coarse fabric he wrapped around himself were something he wasn't sure he would ever get over, although he knew it had only been a few weeks…but what he had wanted most to feel again…he felt afraid every time he thought about it. Knowing no sleep would come his way tonight, he sat up and looked over again at Edward's face, a face that was more familiar to him than his own.   
  
Things had been different back then, he told himself. And now…Ed loved him, loved him with all his heart and soul, loved him in more ways and more strongly than most brothers loved each other. He never doubted these things, and he never doubted they would never change, ever, but still… There were things..things he wanted, things he was afraid Ed didn't want and afraid would drive them apart even though he knew it couldn't happen. Before he was…him again, it hadn't seemed to matter. He'd been unable to tell what it was he really felt, able to believe he wanted to touch Edward for no reason other than he could not.  
  
He watched Ed's shadowed form as he shift in his sleep, moonlight glinting on the automail arm he'd had no choice but to keep and on his beautiful hair. Some silent word forming on his lips, those lips Al had kissed goodnight this night as he'd so missed doing when he was still in the armour, as he always used to… Things were different back then, he reminded himself again.  
  
The first time Ed ever kissed him, so many years ago now he couldn't even remember how old they had been, it had been for comfort. Al remembered running and falling, feeling the sting of a cut knee and his eyes filling up with tears…and then forgetting it all, totally distracted by Ed leaning up and pressing his small mouth against his.   
  
"Don't cry Al," he'd said, grinning as he stepped back, and Al had grinned back brightly, eyes shining with affection for his brother who always made it better for him.  
  
After that…well it was just what Ed did to help him feel better, and what his tiny self had decided he would do to make his older brother better too. He still recalled Ed's surprised young face when he'd been the one to kiss him for the first time…but the happy expression that followed made Al want to do it more. Their kisses had somehow become much more regular. They'd kissed each other goodnight. Not really understanding what they were doing they'd kissed smiles onto each other's faces just because they felt like it. And maybe, just maybe, they were beginning to do it because it felt good…and then…  
  
And then had come that time, the time when everything went wrong, when it seemed nothing would ever be right again. For years Ed had been so serious, smiled so little that Al sometimes wondered if he remembered how they used to run around and laugh together, how they used to grin at nothing, hug each other out of affection… He did, of course, he would remind himself. He worked himself almost to death, they both did, trying to get back that perfection…  
  
Of course they could never get it back, that much they had learned at least. The past was the past. But now…in some ways, things were the same again. Since Al had got his body back, Ed had been smiling all the time. Both of them were still reveling in being immature and laughing and having fun together, being purely happy when they'd had to give it up so long ago. Ed was always wrapping his arms around him, and neither had forgotten their ritual of a goodnight kiss. Al knew for sure he would never get tired of being able to feel his brother in his arms again, and he was so happy he couldn't quite believe this was real…but he was still afraid, and confused. Their goodnight kisses lingered now, their touches felt different…and Al was as unaware of what it really meant to Ed as he knew they both had been when they were children.   
  
All he really knew was that he wanted Ed, he wanted their kisses to mean what he was sure they shouldn't between brothers but didn't care, wanted Ed to desire him and only him, the same way all he would ever need in the world was Ed.  
  
He felt his eyes fill with tears, like they had done so many years ago, before he had lost his body, before their mother had died, before anything bad had disturbed the idyll of their life, and before the child Ed's innocent kiss had made his perfect world even brighter… He could hardly bear the thought that it all meant less to Ed than it did to him, that it was only the wonder of having him back as he was that made Ed touch him like he did, with such love, that Ed would need or want someone else, other people to be as close, even closer, than he was to him...  
  
"Alphonse?"  
  
Al blinked back his tears and glanced over at his brother, glad of the darkness that meant his brother couldn't see his blush.   
  
"Aru? What's wrong? You know I can't not-tell because it's dark. ..Al?"  
  
"Ah, ah I…I…no-nothing…" Al stammered, knowing it was pointless lying to Ed, and pulling his blanket tighter round him he turned away, although he knew it would do him no good. The only other time he'd ever kept anything from Ed had been…when he was losing himself in that armour, when he couldn't even tell if he had ever existed any more… The thought brought new tears to his wide eyes.  
  
"Don't cry Aru", Ed said quietly and switched on the light. Looking adorably sleepy, and distracting, bare-chested and tousled as he was, he made his way across the room and sat down next to Al, who welcomed his comforting arms.  
  
"Nii-san.." Al murmured against Ed's chest, wanting to ask his brother to kiss him like he used to, to make it all alright, but unable to say it.  
  
"What is it?" Ed asked him. "I know you don't want to tell me, but if you don't I can't help you.."  
  
"You can!" Al said quickly. "I…I'm so confused nii-san," he admitted, sitting up and staring straight into his brother's pretty gold eyes, aware that Ed could look straight back into his and see him, see everything, know everything he was trying to hide, but not caring because he didn't WANT to hide it from him, not really. "And…and it's my own fault, but…but you can make me…make me feel better...maybe…by…"  
  
His brother's eyes told him that he knew now, that he understood what was on his mind and knew what it was he wanted. His own hand over Ed's heart was telling him that his brother's heartrate was speeding up to race his own, and everything in him and around him and that he could not explain was telling him that Ed was the same as him, that he felt the same and wanted the same  
  
"But if I kiss you it'll just confuse you more, won't it?" Ed said shrewdly, and Alphonse looked down, afraid that everything he'd feared was coming true. A harsh beat of his heart pushed a sting of poisonous anxiety around his body as he thought about it. His brother didn't want him the same way as he wanted him, everything he thought was true between them, everything he thought he knew, was always so sure of…had it never been there at all? Was this going to mean the end of…of the way they'd lived together?   
  
He looked back up into Ed's eyes, and the fear left him entirely as quickly as it had come flooding back as his brother smiled at him.  
  
"I didn't know what it meant to you either, Al," Ed said and Al felt as if his entire being was wrapping round his brother and being twined around by his brother. He'd only moved a little closer though, was only holding on a little tighter, and he wondered if it was his soul he was feeling.  
  
"I didn't want to…to do anything…not yet…" Ed went on. "Anything that might pressure you or…make you do anything you didn't…want…"  
  
Al smiled.  
  
"But you're normally so impatient niisan…"  
  
Ed made a halfhearted attempt to look insulted. "It's odd, isn't it Al?" he said, and Al was vaguely surprised to hear his brother's voice was trembling too. "The only time in years we've not understood each other…"  
  
"…and it was because we felt exactly the same. I love you brother, completely, and I…I want you, in all the ways I…"  
  
"Don't say you shouldn't!" Ed cut in harshly, narrowed eyes glinting gold. "Because it's not wrong! And besides, I couldn't bear it if you didn't," he said jealously.  
  
"I wasn't going to," Al said placatingly, knowing that Ed knew how good it made him feel that he should be so possessive of him. "Brother, I'll never want anyone else…I just want to be with you, forever, and totally…"  
  
For a tiny moment the silence was as huge as if it went on forever around them, but in the light room and the warmth of home it could not get between them.  
  
"…because…it's as if your soul goes right through me to the very centre, I can feel it," Ed whispered, leaning towards his brother, and Al thought it must have been the light brush of his lips he used to steal the words right out of his mouth.  
  
"Brother," he murmured. "Do you remember when…"   
  
And maybe it didn't matter that no more words were spoken, because both remembered how much like this it and yet how different it used to feel, because then it had been kissing it better, and now long years of needing that comfort were over, there wasn't that much better it could get.


End file.
